"Donald kisses my fingers and tells me I'm beautiful," Rachel says.
Rachel's sensitivity could hang in a gallery.
"He's a good man, Rach," I say.
"Will you kill him for me?" she says. Takes a sip of coffee.
We're in the Dark Horse Cafe. It's crowded. Lots of chatter. Did she say kill?
"Did you say kill?"
"Kill," she says
"Eliminate from the earth kill," I say.
"Yes," she says.
"You're not serious, right? I mean..."
"I am."
I look around the cafe and wonder if anybody else is talking about killing another human being. Maybe everyone is. Maybe this is the cafe of choice for assassins. I see a lot of students. Maybe this is the cafe of choice for student assassins. Does a student assassin only kill other students? I need distraction. My friend Rachel just asked me to kill her boyfriend of 8 months. The man she loves. Her soulmate.
"He's not kissing my fingers anymore," she says.
"Maybe he has finger fatigue. So this is why you want to take his life. "
"Will you do it?"
"You think he's kissing someone else's fingers. Rach, he doesn't seem like that kind of guy."
"That kind of guy never seems like that kind of guy," she says.
"The kind of guy who never seems like that kind of guy can also be mistaken for that kind of guy," I say.
"The guy that can be mistaken for that kind of guy can be acting like the guy who can be mistaken for that kind of guy and really be that kind of guy," she says. "Will you do it?"
Lets see... if I say no, she'll find somebody else and I won't sleep at night. If I say yes, maybe I can buy some time, convince her otherwise.
"Sure, I'll do it," I say.
"You'll kill him," she says.
"Yeah."
Rachel takes a sip of coffee. She looks past me. She takes another sip.
"I was kidding you know," she says.
"Yeah, I know," I say.
"Because-." Her eyes water.
"Rach?"
"Donald holds me when I get the awfuls," she says. Tears roll down her cheeks.
"Rach?"
I look into her eyes. She's gone. Somewhere far. Somewhere I can't reach. I take her hand, cover it with my other hand. Sometimes that's all you can do.
HEAVY HITTERS
Polk, my accountant, enjoys, on occasion, networking his clients with outside business people. So when he asked me to meet a couple of heavy hitters I wasn't surprised, and agreed, without hesitation. Polk oversees my tax return.
I have no special affinity nor noxious disregard for heavy hitters. I do try and avoid getting them upset. They're heavy. And they hit. For a living. Same goes for heavy swatters who are heavy hitters with less clout. And light swatters who are heavy swatter wannabes. The nature of business is such that one day a light swatter can become a heavy hitter. And if I angered that heavy hitter when he was a light swatter, I may come out of that meeting stuffed into various briefcases.
We're at Starbucks. It's me, Solomon, and Ben. The two hitters are in their early forties and from New York. They were paying so I ordered the most expensive drink I could configure - a 13 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. One thing I do like about heavy hitters. They have a need to demonstrate feats of heaviness. Spending money is one.
"So what do you think?" Sol says.
"About what?" I say.
"Why are we even meeting with this guy?" Ben says.
"Polk said Alan's a great ideas guy. And a Jew. You're a Jew, right?"
I nod.
"A Jew'll understand. You are a Jew, right?" Sol says.
I nod again. I have no idea what they're getting at. But whatever it is seems to involve Jews. I hope it isn't about coming up with ideas for a bar mitzvah. Some heavy hitters have been known to spend a lot of money on bar mitzvahs. One heavy hitter brought into the synagogue hall a circus with a trapeze act, clowns and an elephant. Unfortunately the elephant got spooked by the rabbi's light spinning Star of David yahlmuke and rampaged into the synagogue. Damage was limited. The male elephant stayed on the men's side.
"He's not right. There's something about him I don't trust." Ben says.
"Is it because I'm Jewish?" I say.
Ben stares at me. "No," he says. "What a stupid thing to say. We're also Jewish." Ben lacks a sense of humour. A heavy hitter who lacks a sense of humour can become a heavy waterboarder.
"Here's the thing. We, Ben and I, had a tech company. Very successful. Got bought out. Long story short, we're sitting on a mountain of money," Sol says.
"Yeah, we can buy this building, the building beside this building on both sides, the clothing store across the street, the restaurant beside the clothing store, go four blocks north, we can pick up the office tower, and all of the people on the street for cash...right now," Ben says.
"We're not buying people," Sol says. He stares at Ben.
"It's a figure of speech," Ben says.
"No, I know you, you want to buy those people." Sol says.
"We have the money," Ben says. Sol continues staring at him. "Fine. What I said, without the people. For cash."
"Now we're looking to get into the entertainment field. In a big way. Family entertainment. We got an idea we think is a winner," Sol says.
"Okay," I say.
"It's a theme park," Sol says.
"Okay."
"The theme...the Holocaust," Sol says.
"We're thinking of calling it Holocaustworld. Or Holocaustland," Ben says.
Ben and Sol sit back with big satisfied grins.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Ben says.
"So, let me get this straight, you want to do a theme park based on the horrific events of the Holocaust," I say.
"Tasteful, though," Sol says. "And educational. Very educational. At every ride, you learn more stuff about the Holocaust. We were thinking, it's a great way to bring the Holocaust to the younger generation. Make it come alive. In a good way. Museums? Who's going to museums? This park could have a bigger impact than any museum."
"And we can make a killing," Ben says.
"Did you just say we can make a killing?" I say.
"Yeah. You got something against making a killing on a Holocaust theme park?" Ben says and shakes his head.
"No, as long as it's a killing and not a murdering then I'm cool," I say. "Don't your think it's a little vulgar and disrespectful?"
"Auschwitz has a gift shop," Sol says.
"Touche," I say.
"We want you to come up with ride ideas." Sol says.
"Ride ideas for a Holocaust theme park," I say. Sol nods
"Get this, customers come into the park on a train," Ben says and smiles. "Pretty good, huh?"
"Yeah, not sure I would've conjured up that one," I say.
"We can give you a lot of money. And a lifetime pass to the park," Sol says.
"The lifetime pass is tempting. It's just that...genocide theme parks is not really in my wheelhouse. So I'll have to say no. But thanks for the coffee."
As I walk away I hear Ben say, "What kind of Jew is this guy? How can he turn his back on the Holocaust?"
Later, I call Polk. "Hey Polk, I met with those two heavy hitters."
"And?" Polk says.
"Interesting. But they were more like two guys who'd been hit on the head by something heavy."
"Maybe. Maybe next. Time." Polk says.
"To be honest, Polk. I hope there isn't a next time."
I have no special affinity nor noxious disregard for heavy hitters. I do try and avoid getting them upset. They're heavy. And they hit. For a living. Same goes for heavy swatters who are heavy hitters with less clout. And light swatters who are heavy swatter wannabes. The nature of business is such that one day a light swatter can become a heavy hitter. And if I angered that heavy hitter when he was a light swatter, I may come out of that meeting stuffed into various briefcases.
We're at Starbucks. It's me, Solomon, and Ben. The two hitters are in their early forties and from New York. They were paying so I ordered the most expensive drink I could configure - a 13 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. One thing I do like about heavy hitters. They have a need to demonstrate feats of heaviness. Spending money is one.
"So what do you think?" Sol says.
"About what?" I say.
"Why are we even meeting with this guy?" Ben says.
"Polk said Alan's a great ideas guy. And a Jew. You're a Jew, right?"
I nod.
"A Jew'll understand. You are a Jew, right?" Sol says.
I nod again. I have no idea what they're getting at. But whatever it is seems to involve Jews. I hope it isn't about coming up with ideas for a bar mitzvah. Some heavy hitters have been known to spend a lot of money on bar mitzvahs. One heavy hitter brought into the synagogue hall a circus with a trapeze act, clowns and an elephant. Unfortunately the elephant got spooked by the rabbi's light spinning Star of David yahlmuke and rampaged into the synagogue. Damage was limited. The male elephant stayed on the men's side.
"He's not right. There's something about him I don't trust." Ben says.
"Is it because I'm Jewish?" I say.
Ben stares at me. "No," he says. "What a stupid thing to say. We're also Jewish." Ben lacks a sense of humour. A heavy hitter who lacks a sense of humour can become a heavy waterboarder.
"Here's the thing. We, Ben and I, had a tech company. Very successful. Got bought out. Long story short, we're sitting on a mountain of money," Sol says.
"Yeah, we can buy this building, the building beside this building on both sides, the clothing store across the street, the restaurant beside the clothing store, go four blocks north, we can pick up the office tower, and all of the people on the street for cash...right now," Ben says.
"We're not buying people," Sol says. He stares at Ben.
"It's a figure of speech," Ben says.
"No, I know you, you want to buy those people." Sol says.
"We have the money," Ben says. Sol continues staring at him. "Fine. What I said, without the people. For cash."
"Now we're looking to get into the entertainment field. In a big way. Family entertainment. We got an idea we think is a winner," Sol says.
"Okay," I say.
"It's a theme park," Sol says.
"Okay."
"The theme...the Holocaust," Sol says.
"We're thinking of calling it Holocaustworld. Or Holocaustland," Ben says.
Ben and Sol sit back with big satisfied grins.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Ben says.
"So, let me get this straight, you want to do a theme park based on the horrific events of the Holocaust," I say.
"Tasteful, though," Sol says. "And educational. Very educational. At every ride, you learn more stuff about the Holocaust. We were thinking, it's a great way to bring the Holocaust to the younger generation. Make it come alive. In a good way. Museums? Who's going to museums? This park could have a bigger impact than any museum."
"And we can make a killing," Ben says.
"Did you just say we can make a killing?" I say.
"Yeah. You got something against making a killing on a Holocaust theme park?" Ben says and shakes his head.
"No, as long as it's a killing and not a murdering then I'm cool," I say. "Don't your think it's a little vulgar and disrespectful?"
"Auschwitz has a gift shop," Sol says.
"Touche," I say.
"We want you to come up with ride ideas." Sol says.
"Ride ideas for a Holocaust theme park," I say. Sol nods
"Get this, customers come into the park on a train," Ben says and smiles. "Pretty good, huh?"
"Yeah, not sure I would've conjured up that one," I say.
"We can give you a lot of money. And a lifetime pass to the park," Sol says.
"The lifetime pass is tempting. It's just that...genocide theme parks is not really in my wheelhouse. So I'll have to say no. But thanks for the coffee."
As I walk away I hear Ben say, "What kind of Jew is this guy? How can he turn his back on the Holocaust?"
Later, I call Polk. "Hey Polk, I met with those two heavy hitters."
"And?" Polk says.
"Interesting. But they were more like two guys who'd been hit on the head by something heavy."
"Maybe. Maybe next. Time." Polk says.
"To be honest, Polk. I hope there isn't a next time."
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