Polk, my accountant, sent me a text message: 'To make an omelette you first have to crack some eggs.'
My response:
Untrue, Polk.
To make an omelette you first have to get out of bed. Unless...
...unless you crack eggs in your sleep...sleep crack. It's like sleep walking only instead of walking you're cracking eggs. In bed. While not awake.
I know something of this phenomenon because my ex-girlfriend Claire was a sleep cracker. At 2 or 3 in the morning I would be startled awake by the sound of eggs cracking. She wouldn't use a bowl. Just crack on the sheets.
When I went to bed I took a bowl with me and positioned it where I thought she'd crack that night. But I soon learned a sleep cracker isn't concerned with the drop spot. They just want to crack. I would put the bowl in the middle of the bed, she'd crack at the foot of the bed. I'd put the bowl at the foot of the bed she'd crack at the head of the bed. I wasn't sleeping and we were going through more sheets than Paris Hilton. I needed help. The pattern of her cracking was all angles and lines and reminded me of the patterns found in the Andes Mountains of Central Peru. Cracking the code would require somebody with astute geometric knowledge. Adam Finch. In grade 7 he always beat me in Geometry class. If there's anyone who can figure out the proper drop spot, it's Adam.
Adam flew in for the job from London where he was working as a currency trader. He said he wanted to make sure it all worked out for us because I was a dear friend and he didn't have too many dear friends in the world.
Two weeks later Claire was on a plane back to London with Adam. In a lengthy email, Adam referred to Grade 7 and a black t-shirt I borrowed and never returned. That t-shirt made him look borderline cool which kept Lord of Vengeance the bully away. Lord of Vengeance's real name was Martin. I was stunned but there wasn't much I could do so I got rid of all the sheets and started over.
Five months later I receive an invitation to Adam and Claire's wedding. I couldn't make the ceremony; it was a destination wedding in Tahiti. But I sent them a gift. It was a bowl from Ashleys.
VIOLET SMILES
Violet was in a mood. I know this because she was smiling. When Violet smiles...
We were at Starbucks beside a table of chatty office workers.
They weren't safe.
I had to warn them.
So I crab walked my chair over. "Hi. My name's not important to you but you should all know that you are in danger of having your faces ripped off by that woman." On the word 'that' I pointed at Violet. They glanced over. She was smiling, sipping coffee, reading the New Yorker.
"Yes she's smiling...now... but that's what I mean. Here's how it will play out. She will rip your faces off and not give them back. You will have to leave Starbucks without a face. It's 3 in the afternoon. You're probably going back to work. It'd be kind of embarrassing to show up at the office without a face. You will still have your genitals but what good is that if you don't have a face? Just giving you a heads up. The coffee here tastes burnt don't you think?"
Violet asked me what I was doing talking to a table of chatty office workers. "I was telling them about your smile," I said.
Violet smiled. I had about 9 seconds.
We were at Starbucks beside a table of chatty office workers.
They weren't safe.
I had to warn them.
So I crab walked my chair over. "Hi. My name's not important to you but you should all know that you are in danger of having your faces ripped off by that woman." On the word 'that' I pointed at Violet. They glanced over. She was smiling, sipping coffee, reading the New Yorker.
"Yes she's smiling...now... but that's what I mean. Here's how it will play out. She will rip your faces off and not give them back. You will have to leave Starbucks without a face. It's 3 in the afternoon. You're probably going back to work. It'd be kind of embarrassing to show up at the office without a face. You will still have your genitals but what good is that if you don't have a face? Just giving you a heads up. The coffee here tastes burnt don't you think?"
Violet asked me what I was doing talking to a table of chatty office workers. "I was telling them about your smile," I said.
Violet smiled. I had about 9 seconds.
VIOLET TEBOW
"I'd do Tim Tebow." Violet said .
"You and the entire city of Denver," I said.
"But he's already taken..."
"Yeah, goes by lord saviour I believe."
"How can I compete?" She seemed genuinely disappointed.
"That attitude is very un-Teebow-like."
"I had a boyfriend once...remember Brock?..."
"He vomited in my car after Carol's engagement party. I remember."
"...he called himself the Lord Saviour. What a dick."
"Of course, Jesus never called himself the Lord Saviour. He knew. You wanna be known as the Lord Saviour get somebody else to call you that."
"Still, he fucked like the lord saviour."
"thanks for sharing..."
"You and the entire city of Denver," I said.
"But he's already taken..."
"Yeah, goes by lord saviour I believe."
"How can I compete?" She seemed genuinely disappointed.
"That attitude is very un-Teebow-like."
"I had a boyfriend once...remember Brock?..."
"He vomited in my car after Carol's engagement party. I remember."
"...he called himself the Lord Saviour. What a dick."
"Of course, Jesus never called himself the Lord Saviour. He knew. You wanna be known as the Lord Saviour get somebody else to call you that."
"Still, he fucked like the lord saviour."
"thanks for sharing..."
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