I'm in aisle 5. Loblaws. Stuck behind a display of canned beans. Beans lower cholesterol. They also have lots of fibre. The kidney bean is shaped like a kidney. The chickpea is shaped like a human butt. The design decision...were there other options?
An 87 year old woman is hunting me down with her 88 year old friend who looks like Robert DeNiro. Not Meet the Fockers DeNiro...Taxi Driver DeNiro.
I'm in this mess because of my mother's addiction to chicken wings. Kosher chicken wings. The woman is like a 90 year old Amy Winehouse minus the voice. Not sure about the tats. And I'm not asking about the piercings. If she doesn't get wings she is very unpleasant to her plants.
Since she doesn't get out much and I'm visiting her tomorrow I came to Loblaws to pick up the wings.
"Get me four packages. Make sure they're chicken wings. Do you have enough money?"
"Yes."
I'm two aisles and four cashiers away from freedom...the movator. But who knows how many people she's brought on her side. It's Senior's Day. The elderly tend to stick together in retail situations.
At the kosher freezer I grabbed the last four packages of wings when...
"Those wings. They're our wings!"
I turned around. There. Inches from me. Two elderly people - a man and a woman - one of whom had a walker. A high end walker. It had a basket with two levels.
"Give us those wings. Hershel is Mossad."
"Technically... I was in the cafeteria."
"Herschel, Shut up. You think because I'm 87 and he's 88 you can make off like a bandit."
"You don't look a day over 77 and DeNiro doesn't look a day over 78." I inched away from the freezer. "Sorry, but I need these wings or my mother will kill me."
"Herschel will kill you. He's Mossad!
"Technically.."
"What about those wings?" I point to non-kosher chicken wings. "Okay they're not kosher but if you salt them enough you can make them kosher."
"Salt! With my blood pressure? You young shneck! Give us the wings you mother f----"
She grabbed for the packages. I pulled away. Just in time.
In the course of the chase I slipped on a spill. With my sprained ankle I crawled to aisle 5 and behind the canned beans display where I am now. I take out my phone and dial my mother.
"Hi mom."
"My cooking show's on." She hangs up.
The elderly pair enter aisle 5
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